Anger management
This is a brief Anger Primer that can be used in a healing session or for self-help. The majority of the quotes are from Master Choa Kok Sui’s Golden Lotus Sutras.
Causes
Anger can be caused by external or internal events.
To deal with the anger, first identify the cause event.
Ways of dealing with anger
- Through expression
- Through suppression
- By calming yourself
- Through non-reaction
- By accepting, forgiving and letting go
Expressing anger
Express it in assertive, not aggressive manner.
What is an assertive manner of expression?
Make clear what your needs and how to get them met, without hurting others.
Suppressing anger
Suppression of anger converts it into other emotions and redirects it.
If you choose to hold anger, stop thinking about it and focus on something positive and constructive.
Dangers of suppressing anger
Anger turned inwards can manifest as depression, high blood pressure, passive-aggressive behaviour, cynical hostile personality, cancer, etc.
Calming or regulating your anger
Calming anger means controlling your internal responses through relaxation,restructuring or spiritually transcending it.
Relaxation and spiritual transcendence can be achieved by:
- Deep abdominal breathing, e.g. pranic breathing 6-3-6-3.
- Relaxing imagery (visualizing yourself in your Sanctuary or Safe Place)
- Slow yoga to relax your muscles.
- Surrendering you anger, hatred or problems to the Divine.
- Praying and meditating for forgiveness.
- Meditating to uplift your consciousness.
“By using the Prayer of St. Francis, peace and love are brought down and can be used to heal your inner anger or hatred.” (MCKS)
Restructuring means:
1. Instead of cursing the other person, acknowledge the problem:
“It’s frustrating and it’s understandable that I am upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”
2. Avoid using words “never” and “always” in relation to the other person. Criticize the specific behaviour, but not the personality.
4. Instead of words “I demand” use “I desire…” use “I would like…”
5. Remember, logic defeats anger. Approach the situation more intellectually.
6. Focus not on finding solution, but rather on how you face and handle the problem.
7. In a conflict, practice a high degree of awareness or presence.
“With whatever spontaneous action arises out of presence, an intelligence is then at work in the situation. Whatever the situation, that intelligence is far greater than the intelligence of the thinking mind.” (Eckhart Tolle)
Non-reaction
• “Do not react or allow yourself to be sucked not the whirlpool turmoil.
• Like quality energy attracts like quality energy. Loving-kindness attracts loving-kindness. Anger and hatred attract anger and hatred.
• Project and Radiate Loving-Kindness! Be still! Bathe in the waters of Love and Bliss!
• When you get angry with someone and you are about to say or do something nasty, touch your heart, bless the person. Silently say, “God’s blessings and peace be with me and be with you.”
• The storm will exhaust itself. After the storm, there will be calmness and peace.” (MCKS)
Accepting, forgiving and letting go
“If you seek revenge, you will not have Inner Peace.” (MCKS)
“Forgiveness is not a matter of who is right or wrong. It is a matter of doing the right thing.” (MCKS)
“Inner Forgiveness is therapeutic. If you do not forgive you cannot be internally healed. Forgiving heals the Soul.” (MCKS)
Remember, forgiving is not for the other person, it is FOR YOU, for your own healing.
Better communication
1. Slow down and think through your responses.
2. Look for the underlying message.
3. Use humour. Do not take yourself too seriously.
4. Change your environment.
5. Learn to be assertive.
Assertiveness
Assertiveness means the ability to stand up for yourself and your needs in a positive, constructing manner.
How to be assertive
1. Describe your needs.
2. Describe the effects of the other person’s behaviour.
3. Use “I messages” instead of “you messages”.
4. Describe what you feel and the effect (the result of their behaviour):
“When you…, I feel…”
“When you …, then… and I feel…”
E.g. “When you arrive late, I have to wait and I feel frustrated”.
5. State the ways they might have their needs met without doing what hurts you.
Dealing with a problematic person
“To recognize the shortcomings or problems of a person is okay, but do not focus on them or think about them over and over again. Do not keep on criticizing their mistakes mentally. This is excessive! Excessive mental criticism must be reduced. It is human nature to make mistakes. Just let people be.” (MCKS)
Do not try to change the other person.
Change your response to the person.
Get your needs met through others who are able to meet your needs.
Know when to distance yourself and do so.
Keep a gratitude journal. It will help you to appreciate good things in your life, to strengthen your emotional resilience and reduce stress.
Chose to be free and go on with your life!
“Anger and hatred bind people together! When you hate someone, it creates an “Energy Link” with the person. You become chained to the person and your soul becomes entangled with that person. If you want to be free, you must forgive people.” (MCKS)
